Over the years I have done the unable-to-get-out-of-bed thing, the cut-myself-off-from-people thing, the give-up-wearing-make-up-because-it-all-gets-cried-off-anyway thing. Right now I'm doing the I'm so used to everything feeling awful that it barely registers with me anymore and I'm pretty good at pretending it doesn't but I'd quite like to be able operate at a vaguely even keel and stop breaking down periodically thing.
I have already (on several different occasions, over the years) attempted the talking-it-out approach...it doesn't really do much for me. People (counsellers, psychotherapists, etc.) want to know about your childhood and I want to say, "Hello, my childhood was awesome, I rode my bike into a rosebush and had a Barbie speedboat, now can we discuss the intense feels I had at 2 a.m. last night?"
But I'm 21 and I'd like to have a good time in my twenties, not spend all of it feeling the same way I have since I was 13. Yeah?
So step one: pay many, many visits to the doctor. (Yay, free health care! Props to the NHS!)(Also would it kill someone to throw a couple of Vogues in the waiting room?)
Step two: Take medication every day. Probably try not to forget that.
Step three: Return to doctor when first medication (Prozac) ain't really setting my world on fire.
Step four: Get new pills! Take every day!
Step five: Hope these ones work. Repeat step three if they don't.
Step six: Get my groove back.
Are they having any effect? I don't really know. But there was this exchange between me and my mum the other day:
Me: I dusted my room earlier.
Her: Of your own free will?! Bloody hell, those antidepressants must be working.
I know this post has nothing to do with writing and a lot to do with me but I'm a vain lady. And then there's this thing about Depression where you tend to think you're stupid/pathetic/broken for feeling the way you do and so you don't talk about it and hey presto, vicious circle. I write this also because I like reading other people's posts about their various mental illness situations; it makes me feel like being a little loopy is kind of okay. (See this amazing post from Nova Ren Suma's Turning Points series.)
So, we'll see how things go, if I start feeling better or not. (Desperately praying that my melancholy is not what makes me able to write, too--I don't really want to embrace the tortured artist lifestyle. Unless it would make it acceptable for me to drop acid, which I have always had an urge to do for some unknown reason.) Until then I will keep pinning cheesy things like this:
And let's be honest, I'll keep listening to Disintegration on repeat because The Same Deep Water As You is just the best.
So...that's it. Thanks for reading. Super hope this wasn't way too personal.
P.S. On a lighter note, my international giveaway of THE DISENCHANTMENTS is still open :)